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Thursday, January 28, 2010

I was Possessed did a Crime did the Time and was Delivered

I am going to be honest: I do not truly care if anyone here believes my story. I would, however, hope that those who are overly skeptical would suspend disbelief and simply listen. I would also hope those who are over-eager to believe every bump in the night to be demonic mischief, that merely chanting magic words or holding a necklace can somehow bind what they believe demonic would calm their nerves and listen (read) as well.

I am no expert. Neither are you if you only grew up watching X-Files and regularly view FearNet or Syfy. I can only tell my story. Those close to me know this story is true, but it is difficult to tell others -they simply get freaked out or mentally deny it to protect their personal beliefs.

Why tell this, and why here? Well, I am not sure. As stated above, this is not something I can regularly talk about, it hurts people, and I try not to do so. I am shooting my story out there into the internet so that maybe someone with similar circumstances can relate, and somehow take away something useful.

This is a dual story of mental-illness and demonic oppression/possession. It is sometimes difficult to separate the two. I have, for myself.

I’ll start from the start, avoiding too much detail since it is sensitive to others and myself, I hope you can understand.

I was always a “sensitive” child. Easily frightened and angered. Had sleep terrors and problems sleeping. At a young age something spooked me. I was asleep, woke up at 2:00 AM on the dot, wide awake. A harsh frigid wind overcame me and it sounded like an electrical storm. My curtain did not budge as it swept over me and headed towards the window. I could never explain what that was, but it freaked me out.

Years later I became a very depressed person. I attempted suicide multiple times at a young age.

Into the teen years the depression became worse. I became a hermit, secluding myself from the world. I started to believe something was following me, and started looking for answers. I looked into the Bible, but rejected it in spite. I sought answers through unorthodox methods, and this only increased the feelings of paranoia and despair.

I messed with a Ouija board once, but got spooked and never used it again.

Years later I began to have serious health problems. This made things worse since the doctors could not solve my problems. They recommended seeing a psych, but I refused.

Eventually I became entirely despotic and desperate. I could not sleep. I was having nightmares every night. I was failing school. I was a mess. One day it all became too much, I was sick of the internal struggle, the evil I always felt never seemed to go away, and so in despair I gave up. I decided to end it all.

What happened next is demonic in nature.

I started to see “orbs,” not from taking photos, but right before my eyes. I started to hear voices. I had a psychotic break, and became a different person. In an attempt to end it all, I sadly attacked and killed someone dear to me. That person did nothing to cause this. There was no trigger, and no animosity towards that person at all. During the attack I was crying, screaming, laughing, and robotic. It was a complete system overload, I was possessed. It was a primal feeling of complete hatred and despair, a desire to remove all and everyone from the house, and then to self destruct. I did not understand what I was doing, and was only able to figure things out through years of treatment and personal soul searching.

I was sent to a prison/psych ward. I did ten years for manslaughter. Was given a break due to the complex psychological things that took place. I did not deserve such a break, but somehow, with the support of the victims, was able to get help rather than punishment.

During that 10 years, I tried to kill myself numerous times. The guilt was too much. That presence never left me, but I was determined to fight it or die.

I then turned to the Bible. I sought spiritual guidance. I read everything I could get my hands on when I could (due to the effects of the meds I was constantly on, this was difficult.)

Somehow, in the midst of cutting myself with paint-chips and burning my skin, something happened. I was able to see. The story of Christ, his victory, his blood being shed on Calvary, it caused a breakthrough. The guilt broke, my sanity returned, and much like the demoniac in Luke, I could sit in “my right mind.” Things were not easy sailing after this. I had a lot to work through, and much guilt to deal with. Needless to say, I eventually was healed, given a second chance at life, and was forgiven by those alive who I had harmed.

Here is the takeaway from this:

We do not fully understand paranormal things. No one truly does. I experienced it. I gave in to it. I ended up destroying a life. The only remedy I found was Christ. Not some magic, but a person. A person who knew me, my actions, my insanity, my affliction. This person healed me, day by day, month by month, year by year, until I was sane again. Him, and he alone fixed my problems. It was spiritual. Yes, I was mentally ill, but there was more to it. There was an evil presence, a presence bent on pure destruction. A presence that I could not understand, combat, or deal with. He alone had the ability to stop it, fight it, and remove it from me. How he did this? I have no clue. I am not God. I have come to believe that the human will is key. Everything in life is about our will. What we believe in, what we live for, etc. There are wills competing with and for ours. These wills are not always nice. Some, as was my case, are demonic. In such a case, as was mine, the only solution was to align the will (mine) with a will much more powerful, much more capable of dealing with said situation. I had to give in to God’s will. There are instances in the new testament where the demons flee from and fear the presence of Jesus. I trust him. I would hope anyone with a similar situation would do the following:

1.) Seek immediate medical help. Yes, doctors will sometimes treat you as a lab rat. Yes they sometimes will cause harm. Nonetheless, there very well could be severe mental health issues going on, and you will benefit from seeking help via doctors (meds and treatments) and Psychologists. If something truly demonic is going on, it will likely manifest itself through observable mental health issues. Do not be afraid of seeking out medical help. In fact, you will need it.

2.) You must choose to live. You must choose to fight. Your will and your life is at stake. In my case I chose to fight for the sake of those I harmed. It was enough to get me through some very hard times.

3.) You must also realize that YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. Seek help from family, friends, and most importantly, SEEK SPIRITUAL HELP. It is not that pastors or priests are magic, in fact, most are utterly clueless. Many will ignore you and give you false advice. They, too, have seen too many horror films.

However, there ARE those out there who truly care, who can truly help you. They are strong willed individuals who will fight with and for you. I found many such individuals in prison, pastors and volunteers and such, who gave me far more help than I deserved. Their fighting alongside with me was key. They saved my life. They checked on me and guided me when crap hit the fan, which it did, all the time. You are most likely already beat up spiritually. Your will has been infected, and your system has been hacked. More importantly, something inside you WILLED for it to be so, WILLED to give in. You need to be purified by something more powerful than yourself, a will to push you in the opposite direction, and you will need the help of others. Hopefully, if you seek help, God will put those in your path to guide you along, this happened to me.

I am fine now. I live with burdens. I do not carry them alone. I was healed. Hopefully, you out there reading this, you can find some measure of comfort in my story. It ended horribly. Yes, I did take a life. Somehow, in spite of that, things turned for the better. Some would say I was just lucky, that somehow the system did not consume me. I would say, that crazy grace, and those miracles that are thrown around like clich├ęs and are throughout the Bible, well, it still happens. It happened to me. Demons, though they are difficult to understand, are real. God, though he is difficult to understand, is real. I experienced both sides. I hope you never have to. But if you do, please take solace in this: “Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world (1 John).”

The question is, who is in you? Is it the one who overcomes, or the one in this world? Answering and resolving that situation is the key.

Also, if someone has any questions, or if there is something I could elaborate on if it would help you, feel free to ask and I will relay my experiences and info. Like I said, I am not an expert. I am simply a survivor. Anything I can help you with, feel free to ask. It will only be from my own experiences.

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